What About The Kids?

By Alan L. Frankel, LCSW

So often I am asked, “What can we do to help our kids through the divorce?” While this is a wide open question whose answers range from the very simple to the quite complex, there are some general do’s and don'ts to seriously consider.

Perhaps the most important issue in any divorcing family is creating a sensible parenting plan. Children should have continued regular contact with both parents whenever possible. Divorce can at times lead to one parent’s involvement diminishing, or sometimes even that parent disappearing altogether. This can have a devastating effect on a child, who will likely feel abandoned, unloved, rejected, and may also feel that the parent’s absence is somehow their own fault, too. Kids need both a mother and a father whenever possible. Parents will do their children a world of good by providing a sense of ongoing stability despite the fact that they are divorcing.

It is very important that the children not be subjected to an ongoing acrimonious situation in which the parents belittle, demean, humiliate, and verbally abuse one another; of course, physical abuse and fighting should be avoided at all costs. Out of control grown-ups frighten children! I certainly do not mean to suggest that parents should never argue, but rather it is the extremes that should be avoided. If you have a disagreement that will likely lead to a heated conflict, try to postpone it until the two of you can talk privately.

It is also essential that the children not be used as pawns or messengers of a parent’s anger, disagreements, or feelings of resentment. Messages such as “Tell your father he’s late with the child support again,” or “You tell your mother I’m not made out of money!” put kids in a terrible bind. Kids will likely feel caught in the middle and experience a loyalty conflict. In turn, this will likely make them feel quite uneasy, guilty, and very unhappy. It also sets them up to become a target of the other spouse’s anger. Parents should never “badmouth” their ex to their child. Obviously, that leaves the child in a position which is most unfair to them. If your ex has “badmouthed” you, be the bigger person and don’t respond in kind. Your children will surely appreciate it.

Whenever possible, both parents should strive to maintain regular contact in their children’s lives. Parents need to develop ongoing cooperation and strive to maintain a civil and respectful demeanor with one another even though they may not like each other very much. It’s also important for children not to be treated in a fashion that goes against the grain of the other parent (e.g., one parent holds strong convictions that the children should only eat natural, healthy foods, and the other parent gives them junk food just to spite their ex). You don’t have to agree with everything your ex thinks or feels about child rearing, but differences should be discussed, respected, and worked out privately – not acted out vindictively through the kids. Compromises can be made more easily than people imagine if they can discuss matters in a civil and mutually respectful manner. When divorced parents have even a modicum of mutual respect, cooperation, and good communication, their kids will fare much better.

Lastly, if you’re just starting your divorce process, I strongly urge you to consider mediation instead of litigation. Divorce mediation can help lay the groundwork for parents to mutually design plans or “blueprints” for successfully co-parenting together post divorce. Litigation, on the other hand, will exacerbate their differences and most likely feed polarization. Mediation is especially important when children are involved, so that the couple can learn how to make plans to co-parent more effectively. Mediation can spare you and your family a lot of pain and aggravation, and can also save a lot of time and money.